Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
