Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
