Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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