If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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