How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
