we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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