Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He did a backflip because drugs
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