I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
