i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
