I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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