its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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