she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Randomize
