Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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