I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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