She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
