Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
