thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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