I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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