call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
