WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
