just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
