So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
