We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Rumble strips road head = magical
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
