Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.