If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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