i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
