Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
