Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
