Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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