Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
