i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
