I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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