dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
