This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just gift wrapped bread.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
