I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
