well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
