you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
