Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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