2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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