This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
