from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
