we have pet lesbian snakes
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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