the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
