Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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