I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
