she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
