My cat gives me a boner
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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