So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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