Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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