My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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