Betty ford says i'm here all night
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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