Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
