dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
