Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
