I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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