He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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