Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
well I can't set my house on fire every night
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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